Yesterday I confronted the day I’ve been dreading and fearing for the last three weeks. Yesterday was the day I gritted my teeth and tried to keep my emotions in check, which failed multiple times. It was the day I “had something in my eye”, developed a sudden “winter allergy”, and coincidentally didn’t wear eyeliner. Yesterday was the day R packed up and went back to the Coast Guard Academy, leaving me in a fragile emotional state (yes, I did spend my afternoon eating my feelings with a box of chocolate covered pretzels, but let’s not talk about that.)
The other day I wrote about how much I’ve learned this year; about myself, my relationships, and the daily human experience in general. However, this year has also presented the opportunities to learn what it means to deliberately choose someone; what it means to say, “it may not be convenient for us to be together but I choose you anyway because I’m more myself when you’re around”. It’s an everyday lesson. I really don’t believe there will ever be a time when I’ve mastered this level of the game because it changes every day, but I believe that’s what makes it refreshing and what presents the adventure.
I’m still getting good at all of this. I used to think I wasn’t cut out for this type of relationship, the kind where I see him a few times a year, but I’m learning that maybe I’m cut out for a lot more than I thought and maybe I can change what I was cut out for. Perhaps we’re all like those paper snowflakes you make as kids. You fold them up really tight and cut little shapes out of the sides, not really knowing what they’ll look like in the end. I guess I always assumed my shapes had been cut out for me, I just had to unfold and see what kind of person I am, but I’m starting to realize that I have a bit of a say in where those scissors go and what kind of intricate masterpiece I’ll become.
Maybe the key to becoming the most stunning creation is to know when to allow the Creator to cut some shapes into you and when to cut your own.